Most days I show up here and I fear about what to tell you. And then my heart spirals into more ridiculous fear. What do I fear most when we talk? Well, that's just it. It feels like we don't talk anymore.
I fear you. What you are thinking when you come here and meet with me. Or worse, that you won't come here at all and meet with me.
My chatterbox quickly pulls out turmoil and softly speaks to my heart that my words to you don't matter to you. Oh I tire of that voice.
I'm gonna say it like my heart's rhythm shouts, "yes, they do."
Yup, that's it. Maybe the real issue is the fear that my mind and heart succumb to most days really overwhelms me most days. The not-so-funny thing is I'm not sure you care as much as I do. The painful side of writing is accepting that you don't.
Sometimes your non-caring happens. Have I not shown you that what goes on here is worth caring about? I thought so, but perhaps I missed a beat. If I haven't said it before, well then it is time to say it afraid. I care about my dream of writing encouragement to you. I quit my day job for this.
I thought my dreams would be a bigger than this. I think I've been giving it away in smaller bites and the lack of your response keeps biting back. That's the way it goes with our dreams. I have to show up to the caring line everyday.
When my dreams aren't encouraged, it feels like the air is slowing escaping from my lungs. I realize this is a bit dramatic. Honestly, if feels like I'm starting over every time I want to post something.
There are days when dreaming is hard. Those days when doing my dream is hard, many days I sweat over them. Many days I have to overcome some obstacle. Why just now I had to reboot five times, over come the BSOD syndrome (the blue screen of death for you tech-savvy readers). My heart immediately escalates to the volume of my inner chatter, the one that tells me that my "words don't matter".
Perhaps they don't. And I reject that. I believe they do. And then there are days when just a mere mention of my dream brings tears to my eyes that I want it so bad. God knows. God knows how hard it is for me to have hope and it's hard to believe that my dreams are as important as I think they are.
And honestly, my heart gets a little wrapped up in my dreams. My faith gets a little wrapped up in my dreams too. I believe that God dreams for us and encourages our dreams along the way. I believe that God thinks my words matter.
But who am I to begin to know what God thinks?
Perhaps my fear issue isn't that I can't, but that my dreams won't ever.happen.
Perhaps.
That's where hope is so important. Not the silly little wishes we would like to happen, like this blog exploding. No not that dreamy and small. I believe that God has something bigger in mind. My hope in my dreams is that someone would benefit from my dreams.
Is it possible?
The other day Alex was very kind and commented quietly on this post. He said, "Janelle, You truly touch people's heart's, especially mine when you write your post's. This post made me realize even more that I need God in my life to help me thrive in my faith." That was so kind of him to say, it feels like he means it. To get you to realize that you need more God is in fact the why of my dreams.
Don't we all need more God here?
It is possible to impact people with your words, perhaps my fear is that the enemy wants me to think I'm not doing my "why", the why for my dreams of wanting my words to matter. Maybe it's because you are just too busy to notice that.
My dreams are kind of lonely especially when fear enters the picture. What I do know about fear is it can only be the door for one thing: isolation. I wish there was more community in fear.
Believe me, my heart is committed to this. The Spirit is swelling everyday and that's what makes my words matter to put them here. So I guess I have to first say...
I promise to show up here more often, even when I am doing it afraid, as so many writers have written before me. This is normal, this is the feeling of fear, this is the face of writing. This is what starting over feels like.
Even my pastor is even fearful sometimes. That makes me think that he has a few of his own fears. I am not alone in my isolation. One thing I do know is that when I face off with my fears, it can be empowering and not so scary when courage comes to my days and I actually ship a thought to you.
Oh you thought I was just kidding about this post?
I have given you some pretty powerful stuff, have you let it soak in a little? I continue to let doubt fuel me instead of fool me. I will find what my dreams long for in courage along the way. That's the way courage works.
Courage comes in the doing, but first you have to try. What are you afraid of these days, please tell me, please?
P.S. Why did I use a picture of a raccoon? Several reasons: 1. Raccoons are scary. 2. This raccoon looks afraid. 3. Everything is scary at 6:00 am on a Saturday. 4. Raccoon do things afraid.
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