What I wrestle with

Photo credit:  Cindee Snider Re

I wrestle with me most days.  I cause my own tension.  I strive to be better instead of giving myself more grace.

I wear myself thinking about it.   I wear on my own last nerve.

I vacillate between empathy and complacency.  I care about caring too much.  I care about caring too little.

I wrestle with loving the me who God created.  I wrestle with contentment.  I wrestle with me and my thoughts.

I face my own humanity and come up blank.

With my hands being full of dreams, I don't have time to wrestle actually, I just want to move on.

I wonder if that was how Paul felt when he wrote Romans 7:15  "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

Paul wrestled with his sin like the rest of us.  That is comforting to me in a way that he admitted in public for the rest of sinful humanity to read.  

It would be truthful to say we all wrestle with our faults, failures, and inadequacies.  

How could confession really be helping though?  Well, one thing is that I'm not alone in this.  

I wrestle with boldness and bravery.  Can the two get confused?

I wrestle to being open with you.  I still fear that you will throw the first stone.

I wrestle with the naysayers, or maybe just one.

I wrestle with  myself.  And don't win most days.

There's hope though because I know this is a transforming process, and I'm becoming more of what God has created me to be.  And as I peel back the layers of my heart to you, we can discover God's truth together.

My sin is always close to the surface.  But what's bigger is that God's character is based on His perfect grace.  

Grace trumps sin.
His Grace trumps my sin.  
Every time.  
Every day.  
Every mess up.  
Every failure.  
Every fault.
Every inadequacy.
Every wrestling match.

I've decided that I will let Grace pin my wrestling moves.  I have distanced myself from the temptations that I tend to wrestle with.

Why even try to think that you can overcome them on your own?  I can't.  Maybe this true for you too.

Flirting with sin and resisting it is not my idea of a good relationship.  

Let's be in this Grace match to win it shall we?

Hungry for more

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Some crazy God awesome stuff happens when you pray open ended prayers...fully trusting in God.

God and I have had some interesting and very enlightening conversations.  I wish I could share them all with you.  

But for now...it's encouraging when God sends a symbol consistently to remind you that He is in charge, listening and working on the things between you and Him, and that He cares.

That's the kind of personal God who wants a relationship with you.  God reminds us that He is listening.

He's an attentive God.  And He excels in listening.  That's one of His tender qualities about Him.  He reminds me that I have been heard.

For a woman that's huge, you know, to be heard.  Bigger than you know.  

Sometimes my faith feels a little more than a black hole, empty and draining.   Sometimes I have those sunrise moments that bring an awakening in my soul.

Faith in God is based on a personal relationship built on an endless Love; a journey through time and space and emotions. Like any relationship, it is not static.

There are those highs and lows of a relationship that reveal our areas of growth and trust.  I used to need those conferences or whatever it was that helped us feel so deeply the consuming fire of faith, but in this season I am just seeking God in everything.  And that kind of surrendering lifestyle keeps you submissive to listening to Him.  All the time.

This is my devoted love that is a love response to our Creator.  He has proven Himself worthy of trust.  He is faithful and true.  

Have you grown to a deep faith that is not defined by the emotional or spiritual highs of particular experiences?

And still....

With those...don't we crave it? Once we have tasted and delighted ourselves in God's love, don’t we long for it?  Don't our hearts pine deeply over the comfort feeling that experience again and again?

Perhaps spiritual maturity is demonstrated through our commitment to stay through the mountain-top moments and  journey to the valley-low experiences.  

Is our desire born of a curious nature or one of holy craving?  Of course we, just need or want to know the Lord is near.  Don't we like to feel Love close and nearby?

My heart craving is a sign of my heart’s hunger for my One true Love.  

You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;

I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water. – Psalm 63:1

When the ebb and flow of our faith has taken us someplace uncomfortable, our longings shows our love.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
    and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you. – Psalm 63:2-5

Our craving shows our hunger for the Holy.  Oh Lord, draw us near.  Bring us close.