Thursday, November 7, 2013

I haven't been honest

Photo credit:  Janelle Keith
During my recent trip to Africa as I got a little too close to this guy's personal space.
Perhaps I haven't said it all because I don't want to admit it.

This whole blogging thing is a little scary.  Others have made this look easy.  I might have bit off more than I could chew.  Perhaps...just maybe, I shouldn't be here.

Oops!  You caught my insecurities talking.

Ever have those sneaky little doubts that come galloping into your brain at any given time? 

Yeah, me too.

The fact is I don't have this figured out yet.  Goodness, I just got a new laptop with Windows 8, and may I just be open and honest here?  I don't understand a thing about Windows 8. 

Windows 8 makes me feel dumb.  When I do things I don't know much about, I feel insecure. When I feel insecure I want to stop doing what I am doing.  When I think about writing to you some days, believe it or not,I still get a little insecure.

I fear you will judge me for my thoughts.

Sometime ago though, I realized I would do this, no matter the naysayers.  No matter the numbers. No matter who thought I could or couldn't.  

I just know I need to do this, even if no one reads this.  Either way, it makes my heart sing.  I can say what I want, and no one cares.  Please know that doesn't mean that I find my security here.

The more open I find myself here, the more insecure I feel.  If you have been a reader for a while, I'm not just posting thoughts about the weather, my latest pair of shoes I found on sale or the most recent encounter with the TSA that made me look like a fool.

I write my heart.  I write about my heart colliding with God's.  I write about verses that mean something to me and what God teaches me in those verses.  I write about my mission adventures and how I see God on international soil.  I write because it's how I process what God teaches me.  It's what I do....  Is anyone a bit curious about what I have to say?  Probably not.

I put thoughts down on paper because it helps me more than I would like to admit.  I haven't ever told you this before.  

It helps me more to write it than for you to read it.  

One thing is I don't want to be so perfect that you don't feel comfortable here.  If you are looking for someone who's got it all together, well, then perhaps you are in the wrong place.

I am not that writer.  I only want to inspire you.

But what I can tell you is that we will figure out stuff together.  I will do my best to be as open and honest as I can.  May we not be concerned about who does or doesn't feel secure here. This is my safe place for me to be real, an open and authentic community with each other.

I won't laugh at your insecurities if you don't snicker at mine.  I want to connect with you, even if you do know everything there is to know about Windows 8.  I won't hold that against you.

The last thing I do want to be known as, is the girl who didn't try.  

I don't know what I am doing and I'm willing to tell you that honestly.

Does that matter to you?  I hope not because I'm gonna do it anyway.
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