Wednesday, February 8, 2012

2012 In One Word

Many days I arrive home from work in the dark.  As I slog my feet along the path it speaks of the tired state that I feel trapped in.  In the silence, I look up at the dark and see sky- scattered stars. 

God…have I honored You today with my best?  I am overwhelmed.  With one month down on this year, and things seem the same….what is next?  What do you have for me? 

To be honest, I tend to make a long list of things that need change in my life.  I like to make lists.  It’s the way I process.  I write my dreams, my goals, my want-to’s, my to-do’s, and my thoughts.  And most times….especially with my tired body screaming sleep…. I feel exhausted before I even begin.  Usually always to the point of shutting down mentally.

When I feel tired like this, I don’t feel creative.  
When I don’t create it makes me more tired.

I will be the first one to tell you that I need more sleep.   In my pursuit to be all that God wants me to be, I have forgotten how to take care of myself.  I take care of others so well….so I think…but I never put myself on a to-do-so list.  And this is why I am so emotionally drained.   

………I’m really not asking for your advice here…...I know… are thinking ….I’m over committed.  Perhaps….but I am dedicated to a cause.   When people tell me to say “no” it wears me out.   But… not being able to say ‘No’ also wears me out.

What I really think is changing in me is what I have been asking God for.  My one goal for 2012 is “rest”.  As I pray to find rest in God, I am constantly barraged with opportunities to exhibit the ability to do just that.  Circumstances and situations have been served my direction that challenge my reliance on His rest, to test my ability to run to Rest and to increasingly bring my awareness for my deep need to His rest. 

The truth is apparent in my trust. 

Our souls get weary from battle on the front lines, on the back row, in our middle-of-the-road journeys that we are placed in.  If you are honest with yourself you too would admit that you need rest.  God created us with this deep need to rest in Him, and Him only.  In needing rest, we have to admit that we can’t.  We can’t fight these life battles on our own.   God didn’t program us or wire us to be able to. 

We are created in His image; therefore we need Him to exist.  So if we do this life experience on our own, we will fail every time.  In our failures to exist without Him, we are reminded of our shortfalls.  When we aren’t aware of His presence and we try to do things in our own strength. 

For “the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. God will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.” Isaiah 40:28

I sometimes fight dependence on God like a 14-month-old baby boy.....

To be continued….tomorrow ...the rest....
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