|A Tiny Mustard Seed|
Today my husband goes into his tenth surgery in seventeen years. You may not know that he is cancer survivor. God is good and has brought him through a small army of medical issues. But still today there are problems with health and quality of life. It has been a long, hard and complicated trust walk, but I sit here today to tell you I am blessed.
We continue to have problems yes, with most of the details of this life, but that just gives me reassurance that I will need God and I have His promise of my faith in the unseen things at work will be more than enough.
The more of God's portions that I am allowed to endure the more I enjoy one on one fellowship with our Creator.
The more I understand that God is at work with each pain and pill, the less I rely on my own understanding. My life verse when this all hit our lives is ...
Proverbs 3: 5- 6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
When things don't make sense, like cancer, surgery after surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, year after year of pains, and watching the health of a loved one decline, then I have have to acknowledge that this is my portion from God, and through it all He directs and protects, as I trust Him all the more.
The more I cling to Him the less of a grip I have on my own strength. God tells me constantly to be brave.
My husband has a "white book" in which he writes all the important decisions that need to be made, "if anything were to ever happen to him", in other words if he meets Jesus before me. He updates it usually every time he has to go under the knife. The other day he updated it and as I read it, I fell apart. As my heart-felt tears streamed down my face.....these words escaped.....
God I can't do this alone...I whispered
"Do you trust me still? I am in control. I want you to be brave."
I can't be brave anymore. I my faith is so small.
"I will give you more..."
As I was face to face with my own mortality and that of my husband, God was challenging me to give Him more of my trust. I felt so small and weak at that moment of surrender.
"I am enough. I am your portion. Look to me...You are not alone. Give me your little. I will make more." Again I have all I need. A little bit of faith is all it takes to be brave once again.
That's when peace hit my heart.
That's all I have God... just a little. My tear-soaked hands held my heavy heart as I sighed "I do" once again.
God's peace, His rest, His perfect will are enough. Thank you all for your prayers. It means so much and I can feel them. I know God is with us always and He will not forsake His own. I have the tiny faith in the One who carries our hearts.
What tough time are you dealing with? How can I pray for you?