I am a writer. There I said it once again out loud. I love words and I can sit down and blog about a verse or a thought from my devotional or a lyric in a song. In fact, I am always thinking ahead for the next potential post. And I want to write a book. So when I told you once about my dream, I thought it would automatically become a reality. I was hoping so.
It hasn't. Not yet.
The other day, God caught me red-handed, and asked..."Why haven't you started?" It was a moment I didn't have any words. I had no response. I only had excuses.
You see...writing is a passion of mine. It's something I have spent some time in prayer over for God to develop, asking if it was His will for me. I don't need to wait for Him to say yes again or give me a go ahead and erect a neon sign on my heart. He already confirmed that years ago. I know I am supposed to share my thoughts with you. But this book deal, well that's a whole not-so-new-very-scary-idea. I really getting bogged down thinking I can't do it.
What I don't believe is that anyone would want to read the finished product other than my mom. Some of you said you would be first in line. I have a hard time believing that. I don't want to be that American Idol contestant who thinks they are are a good enough writer, and then I get my one chance to impress Mr. Simon Cowell, who after writing my best story, tells me "Who told you that you could write?" Um...that would crush me. So when you tell me that you would wait in line to buy something that would someday be my story, I can't believe it. I don't believe I have anything to share with you. I have never been so afraid of an adventure in my life. I fear your gaze, your opinion, your approval. Your stamp of affection on my life. I really struggle with the end. The results. The how is this-writing-my-own-uninteresting-story is going to turn out? You see...I have a lot of excuses.
I love it when a quote comes together or when you comment to say that I have weaved your heart into the heart of Jesus by sharing something that is on mine. I love that. I love the encouragement that comes from you sharing how my struggles and success have touched you. One time, Misty, said she stopped reading a post I had written because she felt the presence of God. Wow...that's powerful. I didn't have anything to do with that except write few words on a blank screen. Thank you Misty for sharing your experience while reading.
Any words that are effectively pieced together, when put forth with prayer, have the power to change perspective. And especially when you add the power of One behind each post. These are processes that I can't disturb. There is an ancient Chinese proverb, “Those who say it cannot be done should not disturb those who are doing it.”
Wow. This somehow gives me encouragement.
But it also convicts me and causes me to think I have been a naysayer of my own dreams. I have been making excuses as to not move forward in making my dream happen. So when God posed that question I had to stop and think, "Do I not think it's possible to do what He has asked me to do?" "Do I not think I can do what He has gifted me to do?"
I am embarrassed at my answer.
God is not asking me to quit my day job, or to spend less time with family. He is not asking me to lie to you and say that everything in my life is completely perfect and rosy. He isn't asking that I grab a pink bow and stick it on top of a nicely wrapped word package. God is only asking me to share my story with you. So when I don't make time to sit down and put thought to what He has done in my life up to this point, I am saying no to God. I am being a naysayer to my dreams. I am being a naysayer to what God has asked of me. I am not believing that He will make something beautiful from the finished product. I am not believing he is calling me to do this. I am not believing that God will is to do this. I am giving God a list of invalid excuses instead. Ouch!
So I must lay down my own arsenal of excuses and just write. I am tired of putting excuses before my obedience to what God is asking. I am tired of being a doubter of what God says. I am tired of poisoning my own dream with the voice of the enemy.
I am ready to be a doer. I am ready to write. I don't know how this will turn out.
It's true that we all have a secret wish to do something meaningful in our lives. We all have the unspoken desires to impact another, to pass on a legacy that won't soon be forgotten. It's true that we want to be remembered after we are long gone from this earth. And in those unspoken hopes, we want to accomplish our dreams. We want them to come true. We want them but we don't do anything to accomplish them. We get stuck in the wanting, not the doing.
For me, it's fear that keeps me stuck. It's past failures that keep me from trying. And trying again. I get into a rut, a habit, in those familiar place of excuses. And then I get comfortable, and then I start decorating my halls with lies and spouts of doubt. And then God asks me "What are you still doing here? Why haven't you used the gift in which I have given you?" Why have you buried the treasure I so long to share with others? Why must I keep waiting for your obedience?"
Have you ever been caught red-handed in a mess of excuses? What keeps you stuck?