What I wish I could say to every teenage girl

Peeling back the layers

This past year has been full of a lot of changes for me. This picture is very reflective of my heart changing process.  There has been some great spiritual changes, and some long time coming.  

My pastor says that "we may impress people with our strengths, but we connect emotionally with our weakness."  So get ready for some real transparency...

Here goes...

God's changes have been a very hard, difficult process, but worth it all.  

I am making some new changes that result in a new me.  In the discovery of God's best, I am realizing who I am in Christ but also who I am not. 

My journey is well on it's way of seeing myself as Christ sees me and discovering that my identity completely rests on His opinion of me. 

Will we ever get His full picture of ourselves?  Yes, one day we will have the full view of what God sees.  

But until then...

For years, I have not thought of myself as valuable, important, or pretty. Instead I have let the lie of the unlovable, the overweight, the imperfect, the you-will-never-fit-in-because-you-are-fat-lie to affect me. I've always measured myself up against others, or have tried to compare myself to those who are better at everything over me.  Better at everything in life, especially better at being thin.

I never accepted me as the way that God has made me.  But that is changing as God has defined my character as "made in His image."  

Now daily, I am only living from His approval and that allows my perspective to change and see His beauty.

So I guess you could say that I gave myself permission to like me.  That's part of this healing process.  God sees me as His child who was created to be like Himself.

What part of a Holy God would I not want to here?  Ahem...all of it.  

Lately God has been pounding this into my heart..."You are wanted by a Holy God."

The hurting parts of me wants to bounce that like a pin ball hitting the bumpers, setting off alarms, lights flashing, with all bells singing. Years and years of hardness and hurts need to be softened.  It's like a party gone bad in the middle of Chuckee Cheese.

So my challenge is to rethink my thinking about God's opinion of me. He sees beauty, He sees me with grace and mercy, He sees me with His perfect Love.   He sees me as an work of His own hands.  He has given me the Holy Spirit to live inside of me to heal the wounds and scars that run so deep.

As I align my heart with His Word, I know am his daughter.  

Psalm 139: 13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

As I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I am understanding God's planned grace on my behalf.  So when the world tries to give me a perfect beauty message, I know that I don't have to measure up to it's standards.

I only need to measure my heart to God's and let His holy touch perfect and measure.   This world compares me to the latest, the skinniest, the faces with the fullest lips, and perfect cheek bones. Man compares and shows me my failures and short comings, and puts unrealistic expectations in front of our crushed self-images.

The lies of the world can cut my wounded heart to pieces. 

I know deep down my face will never be on their tempting covers that they try to sell.  It's a false statement as they try to reflect true beauty to the masses. The world's picture of beauty leaves me feeling empty, worthless, and walking away with the fact I will never be good enough.  It leaves me discontent with what God has blessed me with.

The world says to be this way or that weight, to always strive for a better look or appearance. The mirror has reflected these lies so many times and I have swallowed them for years. So much so that I have a large cavity of hurt that needs repair.  

I know I am not perfect, nor will I ever measure up.  That doesn't matter anymore.

Ephesians 5:1  "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children..."
 
In this becoming transformation, I want to see and understand why a Holy God would want me. His word says I am His beloved. Knowing that He loves me just the way I am is good and enough.  Knowing that I am His forgiven daughter is way enough. The full understanding of this truth is sinking into my hurts and healing my identity. 

It's not based on my worth, this truth is based on God's character. 

In my discovery of finding my true beauty, I realize I am not the lot of lies that I have swallowed about myself.

I am not ugly.  
I am not fat.  
I am not you and now don't want to be.  
I am God's, a daughter who is wanted by a Holy God.

Is this new attitude becoming?  God thinks so.  He created my beauty for His pleasure. I will never be good enough to be wanted except through the eyes of Jesus. 

Grace filters and covers my beautiful becoming.

Let that sink in a moment or for a while.  Grace...from a Holy God changes us.

His grace becomes my beautiful. I am wanted by a Holy God because of His beauty that becomes my identity.  My identity is  based on the grace given by Jesus.

My heart is becoming more accustomed to Grace. 

Dear God, please touch my painful places to reveal your beauty, help me to understand your grace-filled view of little me. There are a lot of raw places still yet to become whole. Bring your fullness to my hurts and heal them with your Holiness.

What are you overcoming to become?

Maybe...In My Dreams

Speak Your Dreams

I haven't ever spoken my dreams....to you.

I don't even know if I am brave enough to speak about them today. This is an area where I need God to work in me.

Maybe you have never thought about this.

Honestly, I'm afraid to have any out loud conversations about them.

I was talking to my friend and I asked myself the hard question.

Why don't we talk about our dreams?

My answer scared me a little. I'm afraid to speak my dreams.

I'm afraid that my dreams are just that...my dreams. Not God's.

I'm afraid that my dreams are buried way too deep. Planted in my self-esteem.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that my heart is maybe broken over them.

I'm afraid when my heart breaks so easily.

I'm afraid that God won't grow these dreams in me. I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to trust God for them. 


We live in a "take action" world.  If I don't make my dreams happen, who will?

I'm afraid to speak my inmost desires. I am afraid to dream.

I'm afraid to speak my dreams to you. To God.

How ridiculous is this?

I'm afraid that if my dreams don't match up to God's then they won't come true.  Are my dreams even godly ideas to think about?

God...are my dreams your dreams?

Where did my dreams come from? Certainly not from my father...we have never spoken our dreams to each other. Not from my mom, we never met about those either.

So God...when were these straight-up-crazy dreams born?

Why am I talking about dreams so much? Because...as believers we don't speak them often enough. Maybe it's considered false hope. Maybe I am wishfully thinking about my dreams. Maybe when I tell you that one of my dreams is to write a book. I am afraid that you will laugh at me. Maybe when I spoke my dream once...you walked away, shaking your head, and thought...."that will never happen".

Maybe I don't believe in my ability to write my thoughts.

Maybe I might have some lofty dreams about glossy covers. Maybe this isn't God's dream for me.

Maybe I don't trust God with my dreams.

So let's turn the page...The failure of speaking my dreams ends here.

Can I trust you? Will you encourage me to continue seeking my dream? Are you strong enough to hold me accountable? God, can I trust you with my secrets? My dreams?

This is an area in my faith journey where I have to be transparent with you.

It kind of hurts to say it...but....I don't really trust myself to make things happen.

I can't see the last page. I can't see the results. That's where God comes in. If I say I trust God then I also have to trust God for everything. Even the results. Even when I don't know the end of all the stories. Even when I'm still caught up in the middle of my mess. Even when I can't write my dreams clearly. Even when I can't put two words together to make a sentence. I have to trust God who holds all the words that will ever be written.  I can't go wrong with trusting God with my dreams.

Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Yes, God I can trust you with my dreams.

Do you have dreams? Do you trust God with them?