There's No Way I Am Leaving

My child-like journey of knowing God 

It was in a regular Sunday message where God touched this deep hungry nerve in my heart to know Him more.  It was on that day I had to make a choice to be devoted in my efforts to do so.  If I really wanted it bad enough,  I had to make some changes to make it happen.   

To know more about God, I had to put God as my priority.  

I needed to absorb more truth but also I needed to be a doer of the what the Bible said.  I needed more God in my everyday life.  I needed to stop dancing around church and get into verses that would rejuvenate.   I needed God's power to transform.

He only asks one thing of me.  To make Him first.  To look upon His holy face in relation to the pages of my life.   So I chose God over sleep.  

It's my daily choice to pray, to read God's words back to me, it's my choice to make time for God in the early part of my day.

God's truth is found in His holy and inspired words.  My pastor spoke of what a difference this made in his life.  And that day...it was enough to make me want it too.  

I have found that the more I spend time with God, the more I need to hear from Him on everything.  It has made a profound difference in my understanding.  So here's the part where I tell you there have been a lot of lies that  have been uncovered from my past that God has revealed to my heart and I am now processing.  I am "burning plows" so to speak and getting rid of those lies, and letting God's healing grace take me to my new spiritual places of freedom.  

My embedded lies are met with this:  

"If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness; we lie and do not live by the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."  1 John 1: 5-6 

Away in His word places...I find light.  I find freedom.  I find escape from this world that weighs me down.  I find His grace that transforms.  The distance is bridged from my heart to His.  I find I can just be me.  I find His truth to be liberating.  I find promises for my future and for my today. I find God.  And as I find God, he takes me by the hand and shows me His way.  He is the Way, the Truth, my Life.

I find He is with me even when my heart is succumbed to lies of this world.  I find mercy to match every lie I have swallowed.  I find Him waiting with open arms to receive.  When I find His truth, I find a deep inner peace.  I find a Lifeline.  I cling to His love as He changes me.  I find His light that illuminates into those horrible lies and dispels them.  I find what my raw emotions are crying for.  I find calmness for my last nerve.  I find a bridge over these trouble filled waters of my soul.   

Your love is the reason I am free.

I am running to you.

You are all I need.

You are the only for me.

Your Love is Alive and living in me.

There has been a lot of changes that have come from this journey, worth the start, worth the effort, and I have found so much worth it makes my heart crumble.  
There is no way I am leaving now.

I Couldn't Find Lamentations!

The other day I had trouble finding the book of Lamentations.  I woke up at my normal time and did my studies.  But on this day, there was trouble brewing in my soul.  I had just written three pages of confession in my spiral bound journal and ashamedly so…those words were not pretty.  They spewed doubt, resentment, uncertainty, pity, unworthiness, misguided direction, uncomfortable dark thoughts.  I have bad thought days.  

I reached out to my mentor and she texted back "Lamentations 3:22- 24."  I then proceeded to have an emotional meltdown as I frantically flipped through the thin pages to find truth.  I couldn't find the verses.  I had to resort to the Table of Contents.  Honestly, I couldn't even see the page numbers because of the free flowing tears.    

On page 698 in my Bible, my aching soul was calmed with this:

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail, they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

My heart had been wounded and I needed a touch from God.  Usually when my faith guard is down, the quiet giant lies waiting to wage war within.  I was engaged in a bout with doubt like I had never experienced.  The results had left me sickened and stunned.

I tend to believe lies over truth.

I tend to hear the voice of the enemy over Righteousness.

I tend to cling to visual affirmations

I default to control and perfection.

I seek validation from peers.

On really bad days, sometimes you can't see God's words clearly.  That's why I am thankful that I reached out to my early morning texting friend who knew just what to send.  God moved circumstances to bring His truth to light and to bring transformation.  God’s truth can turn your perspective around in a heartbeat.  I know once again that am not alone as His flawed child determined to banish old habits. My journey is part of a holy refinement process that gives me the strength to move forward in hope knowing that God will be glorified.  And I know where the book of Lamentations is now.

God didn't call us to discipleship alone, nor did He leave us out here in our desert moments to fix ourselves.  What He does call us to is to be faithful as He is faithful.  He wants us to receive His love, and not be consumed with the things of this world.  He is not going to run out of compassion towards us.  In fact He has a brand new fresh load of awesomeness ready for us each day.  And every day as His Spirit is transforming ours, we need to be patient with Him to complete His great work in us.  We need to wait on God in the same way He compassionately and faithfully waits on us to seek Him and allow Him to change us.  

 Yes, Lord...this is my portion.  Transform me.

What's one habit you want God to change in you?